Nov 24, 2009

He was off to the latest blind date. He dabs some perfume and looks at the mirror, just a glance. He walks swiftly with strong strides to reach the other end of the room to retrieve his wallet and car keys. He would be damned if the girl was JUST another pretty face. He trusted his friend, but off lately since his marriage, he has been trying to hook him up with every possible girl. He knew it was time to settle down. He was ready. A prestigious job, along with his dark muscular frame, not to forget the bank balance, made him an ideal candidate for most girls. But he wanted something more. What was it, he never knew! still he was confident to find it out soon. As he went out, the sun shone brightly, momentarily glazing his view. What a bright sunny evening he thought, as he glided into the leather seats of his sleek sports car. His mind was blank. No anticipation anymore he thought to himself. If it is supposed to happen, it will happen with HER.

She was nervous. She was not the one to go on a blind date. Her best friend has insisted knowing she rarely took time out for herself. Her words echoed in her mind, as she tried on the outrageously revealing gown. "He is one saucy dish. am sure you wont regret the date even if it did not go ahead" She never had time to buy clothes that would fit for occasions. She was in good shape, yet she felt so uncomfortable in the deep neckline of the gown. She decided to change. Oh dear god it is just a date, why am I getting paranoid, she mentally scolded herself and reached out for her comfortable jeans. She saw the kurta sent by her mom on her dressing table. Not too classy but comfortable. she quickly showered and changed. The mascara, lip gloss was all she needed for work. Now she added the lipstick and eye liner. She took out the ear rings, she preferred the long ones. It suits me, she thought with a smile. There was a knock on the door.

Aug 4, 2009

My Attempt at Fiction:: Will the Pain go away?

She sat looking at the older woman, in the couch which had seen better years. There was a coffee stain at one edge which appeared fainter but bigger due to the attempts of cleaning, there was a few stitches cleverly crafted in the cushions to make it look like designs rather than torn out parts. She remembered the day it was brought, it was on her 9th birthday. It looked so new and shiny. It could accommodate the constant praises of all people and the weight which it bore gracefully. She could now this second, relate the couch to the older woman, who had been as graceful years back. Now there were lines on her near perfect face. There were scars which could never be healed in her mind. Yet, she was always ready to give and share. Her love astonished her.

Now as she sat there thinking, how is she going to reveal herself of the pain. She knew talking to her would help. But if there was something eating her mind, she knew her MOM would be glad to hear and sort it for her. But this was terrible. Every living second she was being eaten by millions of cells. It was not the Physical pain of the disease but the metal agony of the news she received which had shattered her. The reports declared adinoma carcinoma. And her life had changed that day. Now she wanted to reach out to the older woman and hug her. Will the pain go away?

Dead Inside!

I am broken and lost!
I went on for years, without breaking apart
Belling my inward cowardice;
Fear of rejection, fear of failure
Made me mould my mask
Smoothening till perfection
A clone was born to taunt me;

Clone but well trained
Laughed when I cried inside
Soothed and consoled souls aplenty
While I am dying away inside
Creating an identity
While overshadowing mine!

Life seemed easier;
As people started preferring the clone
Over the shattered soul.
The mask tightened over myself
Burying me deeper

I cried out for release
I cried out for my soul
As days passed by
I became feeble and weak
My elastic limit stretched
I lay motionless, and incapable
As the clone was conquering

Now as love turns into misery,
The clone drifts far away. and
Amidst the rage of emotions
Tearing me apart, I try to
Peek a little at my dry life
Only to realize
Am dead inside!

A new Start, a new Begining!

A new start, a new beginning;
Always enticing, always excites!
The wonder of the mystery,
Of what lies ahead, intrigues;
Contemplating the good, bad and the evil,
The optimist in me runs to the aid,
Pushing aside the peeping pessimism
Future days of the new beginning,
May unfold as memories
Either preferring to be locked deep inside,
Or brings a Smile to cherish,
Of the time well spent, the time relished.

As I leisurely march past,
The scurrying crowd,
My youth and vigor, Fails
To entrap the rush, the hustle
Of the day anticipated.

Nobody seems to drink in the beauty,
Of the early mist, shimmering Sun,
The twittering birds, the swaying leaves
The holy serenity is disrupted
By the swarming people in all directions.
For this is yet another beginning amidst aplenty!

As I see down leisurely, enjoying
My new beginning, my freedom,
I realize I need this time for me
I rejoice the feel of the paper and ink
Giving me the power of words
Inspiring me; eluding me;
I begin this day with the assurance
Of a decision well made
Tempting to reveal the new Start,

Of my first Bus Journey in Solitude.

Emotional Turbulence !!

As I see you, Oh! Mighty one,
I realize with a longing,
in an amateur poetess's heart,
Words can only do Injustice!

I bow down to your esteemed presence,
as the sense of tranquility prevails
capturing me into a trance.

Your tides are so fierce ,
Yet when you hit the shores,
there is a humbleness in your sacrifice
for the selfish mortal's pleasure.

As i see you moving
back and forth with every bounce..
I see your sacrifice
reading joy even in the faces
of the most arrogant sapiens !

As the silent observer in me,
hunts the faces of all ages..

I see the children scattered around,
Unafraid and Shrieking
in the highest of decibels
entering to discover,
the Vastness in you!

The lovebirds seem undisturbed,
In every nook and corner
chirping within themselves
in the lowest of decibels!
enjoying the bonding in solitude
letting the eyes do all talking
and seeking heavenly comfort
in the lovers arms, I realize
words fade near the mighty you!

I can also see a few of the
withered ones,
not by grace,
not by heart,
not in the least by charm,
But by the sheer age!
I can see their eyes twinkling
as they enjoy the breeze!

And last but not the least
I see a few unlikely souls
like me inhaling the serenity
which you are ever ready to give.

Come what may!
You are a source of
unadulterated pleasure!
whose generosity
is over showered
on every passer by!

Now as the boats move further away,
towards the unknown horizon,
I begin to wet my feet
just for the sheer endurance,
of the soft kisses
you bestow upon me..
I can see you smiling,
I can see you mocking,

Oh! Mighty OCEAN ,
You are forever a mystery!

Shattered :'(

O dearest daddy,
words cant express how much
I am missing you right now.
I don't know what am doing,
I don't know why am blogging.
all I know is am dead inside.

I am cranky, moody and sad,
if only you were near me,
If only I could hear you speak,
If only I could feel your presence,
O my! what a Life am I leading?

why cant i feel happiness?
why do i feel so numb?
what did I ever do so bad?
for the pain that pierces me!
am shattered ,
I miss you like crazy!

Why me? why me? why me?
why did you leave me?
to know what this f*ked up life is all about?
I have learnt enough,
I have ached enough
come and show me how to be gay
I have lost hope in everything
the future seems bleak
I have no one to my aid,
O daddy dearest I love you!

I have had enough,
I lost you,
I lost my relationship,
I lost my happy family,
I have lost faith in myself!
Oh please take me away from my miseries,
take me away from this pain..

Happy birthday !
Happy birthday to you!
happy birthday dear daddy..
happy birthday to YOU!

Your shattered daughter!

A small token of Love for my Best friend who is getting married!

Dedicated to my Best Friend KRUPA!

Its been a decade,
The innocent childhood,
The ignorant Teen days,
The Romantic college days, :)
The Realistic harsh days,
And Yet I crave for more ;-)

You are always close to my heart,
yet the distance makes it hard.
I know you are going away for the good,
I know you are going to be happy.
Yet, my heart refuses to let go,
My soul is being unrealistic!

You have always been around,
smiled through my happy days,
cried with me when I am hurt,
showered me with love when I needed,
I can never get someone so dear,
I love you my dear Friend!

It all seems so near,
the days of innocence,
the days filled with sunshine,
the days we were ourselves.
Now we commute in different paths,
I have furthered the distance,
To let you go.
Now spread your wings ,
and fly high my dearest,
Your day is coming,
Your joys are gonna make me smile,
Your happiness will enrich thy!

You are going to be glowing,
Like the Moon on a cloudless night,
as you gracefully walk down the aisle,
amongst all the near dear ones,
As everyone turn green with envy..
I shall be beaming with Pride,
here comes the beautiful bride!

Love Poem :: Valentine's day Special

When I look at your smile,
My heart skips a beat!!
When I see you cry,
It breaks my heart ..
Why do i feel this way?
Your happiness is Bliss to me,
Your sadness pierces me...
Why do i feel this way?
Our souls are intertwined
Our hearts are locked together
You are part of me,
as much as am a part of thy!!
Why do i feel this way?
I may not be perfect
But I promise to
Enrich your joys..
Double your pleasures..
Fade your worries,
I promise to be there for you...
Will you be my Valentine forever??

Feeling Blue =(

Feels like I have fallen in a pit,
being swirled by darkness around me,
its closing up my vision,
am choking, am suffocating,
am so vulnerable, am helpless,
its scaring me, beyond my wildest imaginations!
Not a hand to help!
Not a soul to listen to ma pleas....

I fear my unknown destination,
I fear for my loved ones,
I fear Death, I fear Life!
Fear is my biggest Fear right now,
what am i fearing?
I cry out LOUD!
YET, Not a hand to help,
Not a soul to hear my pleas...

As am entering this black hole,
ma heart feels fainter,
ma screams echo all around me,
All i see is darkness,
All i feel is Darkness,
The cold wind swarms around me,
sending deep shivers all over me
I feel colder and colder..
Yet Not a hand to help,
Not a soul to listen to ma pleas...

Ma voice is way fainter now,
ma eyes have given up the search
Ma heart does not care anymore,
Ma body is too weak to move
All i know is..
am surrounded by darkness,
am shivering, whimpering and weak
And still yet, not a hand to help
Not a soul to hear my pleas...

Am feeling Blue ! :'(

A heartfelt talk with my dad :'(

I cant believe it has been a year!! Whoever said "Time Heals' does not know you as a person. When you left, you have left such a deep scar in my heart that it can never heal. Am taking this hopeless feeling to my grave. Why did god have to make you such a wonderful person and why does he have to take you away before i realize your love , your tenderness, your sacrifice? I have million questions , with no answers. There has not been a day in the past 365 days, where I have not felt an immense loss!! It keeps hurting me to know that , I cant see you , I cant feel you , I cant hear you , I cant have you comfort me , I cant have you scold me , I cant have you teach me , worst of all , I cant Love you !!! You gave so much Love and never expected anything back. Why could have god not made me realize how precious you were? Why did he rudely snatch you away from me, when I began to realize how much I love you ? Why can I not have the simple pleasures of a family ??? :| I am moving on ...I am finding things to distract myself, but it hasn't worked. Every night i feel the pain you felt , i feel the fear you had when you knew you were going to die. I am 23 now, a lot changed as a person, but I have lost the innocence , i have lost being "daddy's lil gurl" In the past year, I have realized how people treat you differently, how people try to meddle in every part of your life .so I have lost ma senses to feel. I dont care about MYSELF anymore.WHat is there to care about? All the people who swore that they would stay with me, are fast fading!! I have learnt the hard way, as to how you made ma life so easy. Now taking everything in, handling a family is not so easy. I have become responsible. Hope you are proud of dat.

The past one year, has shown me the real faces of people name it cousins, friends or anyone ,I interact with. I ask myself everyday after every simple accomplishment i have made.... Where are you to praise me? You praised me when i made coffee for the first time when i was 21!!!!! , You praised me when i merely passed in ma exams, You made me feel loved and cherished, and now you have left , I am wondering will anyone ever recognize me as an individual with feelings and appreciate me ? How could have all this happened ?!?! I love you so much , I really do , M sorry for not having showed you my LOVE, am sorry for being self obsessed, am sorry for talking back for every advice u gave me , am sorry for not listening to you. But are you there to listen to me ? NO !!! ...I can never forget your every act of love. You were the one who stood with me through all my downs. I have been a thoroughly selfish , immature daughter , yet did u cease to love me ??? I couldn't have asked for a better person as ma Father. All around me , I c ppl happy in all ways of life , here m struggling to survive... I now ask with tons of regret WHY ME ?!?! O GOD PLEASE WHY ME?!?! ....I am unable to bear the loss. I am unable to think , feel normally . Why can't I be myself?!!? I just wish , I could also have come with you! I have had enough of life and its ways , I have given up. My strength fails me , Your advices fail me , I have failed miserably in my chapter of life. I yearn for love , Am insecure ...When did i turn so desperate , pathetic?!?! IF only you knew , how much this has taken a toll on me . but if u knew, u wud nt have left me d way I am!!!

I salute you for being the best son, uncle, father and husband!!

You are the greatest person in the world to me!! Your loss is something which can never be replaced. I Just want you to know, Your daughter is a matured responsible gal today, who can cook, who works, who takes family responsibilities, who is taking care of your wife (as u asked for) , who is trying to make everyone happy, who wants to be like you!!

Dad I love you , so much dat it hurts to think about you...I know u made me strong enough to face all of lifes unexpected suprise!! But I am failing miserably after this year. I thought i could move on, I thought I can do it, but please make some one understand , that am a human being after all. I cant cry in front of people, or talk about my problems!! is that so wrong ?? All am asking from you, if at all you can hear me is some LOVE, I feel so lost without it.I am unable to move on . I cant ask mom , she will feel so bad, i dont want to make her cry !!! Help me , guide me as you have always done. I dont want to fail , i want to stand proud in front of so many people. show them that I am a survivor!!

Words fail me , when i Talk about you.

Ohh what will I not give for a chance to talk to you ??

you did not deserve all the pain you went through. you did not deserve the deathly disease. You are a GOOD person. God is unfair , LIfe is unfair. I only hope that your soul rests in peace. Be happy and peaceful wherever you are !! Don't come bak to this selfish and fucked up world !! All am asking is for you to gimme the strength to survive!!


Rest in Peace!!!!!!!!!
Nov 26th 2008


I had written this poem , a week before ma dad passed away and haven't posted i thot i cud post it .

When I was a kid..
Yu held my hand,
and showed me the meaning of love..!

When I was 10 ..
Yu took me to the park ,
and showed me the meaning of fun..!

When I was in school .
Yu made me read ..
And showed me the meaning of knowledge..!

When I was in my teens…
Yu were reluctant to let me go,
And showed me how to enjoy my life in a harmless way..!

When I was in college..
Yu let me free,
And showed me the world outside..!

When I was 20..
Yu were not happy with my ways in many ways
But you showed me how important it was to let me go when I am older.

When I am 21
I realize how special you are
But cruel fate seems to be teaching me to let you go ..:(

Now am 22
And have realized how special your life was to me
All my life I can not get a dad better than you..!

You gave me everything I needed
At all stages of my life,
Love , materialistic things
More than you could
But fate has made me realize about YOU only now

You gave me life ;
and it kills me to see yours at stake...

You made me walk
Now it kills me to see that you can’t

You made me sleep
And it kills me to see that you can’t

You were , are and will be everything to me
But I feel numb with pain when I see you so helpless

I pray all the gods above
To give me back my precious DAD

I cant ask for anything more precious EVER !!

2007 - D year I turned into an Adult!

2007 truly turned out to be the worst year in my life ...I Guess there were very few ups and hell lot of downs .But 2007 has made me learn too many things too fast .By the end of 2007 i was made to realize that I am not a kid anymore and I can never be "DADDY"S LITTLE GIRL " anymore :|

The first half of 2007 was kind of okay ...I was making all plans to do my MS ...and preparing for GRE and stuff ....little did I know that fate was going to rudely interrupt my plans for my life FOREVER!

My Most awaited day was my Parents 25th Wedding Anniversary on JULY 08 ...It was going to be a very special day for all of us in the family. But Appa's health started to deteriorate , in a very unexpected and sudden way . He lost his appetite , and did not look good . I and my Dad both are adamant about not going to a doctor , so he protested a lot and kept postponing his trips to the doctor . July 08 came and he was hardly able to eat 1 cup of rice , when we went to celebrate .

So things started getting bad ...and we slowly but steadily forced him to a doctor and the doctor wanted to take a biopsy being the jerk i was ...did not realize the seriousness of the situation and kept fighting with my Dad for this and that . Till date or rather till i die i am going to feel bad about it .Then September 05 Teachers day for all of you but mine I grew up to be an adult ...There came the biopsy report and it clearly stated adeno carcinoma grade III ...well i was puzzled too what the hell was adeno carcinoma ? It turned out to be the Third stage of Stomach cancer ... It came as a rude shock to me . I went to collect the report ...I was shocked ...I could not go home , could not face my dad ? what am i supposed to do now ? I cried all the way to my house and then pretended to have a brave face and entered my house ... I told my dad that it was cancer but very early stages to make him feel brave (when did this change happen ? How come I am trying to protect him rather than vice versa ? ) Have i really grown up ? But this was just the smallest initial blow ..the next week i went to Adayar cancer Institute and there they refused to operate him saying he had only 2 months to Live ...Our family went crazy ...Jus 2 months My parents celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary and the doctors say he has just 2 more months to live ? 60 days ? really ?

The worst thing you can face in life is slowly seeing the person you love die in front of your eyes , My dad who was everything to me , who made my life easier for me ..crumbled down to pieces ...he was no more the person i Knew ...More than us he was trying to accept the fact that he was going to die ? why would some oner have to have such a cruel fate ? My dad of all people does not deserve it ...Damn all the gods ...They don't deserve the respect people give them least I am sure i won't respect any god ever .. My belief has been shattered !

And the worst is yet to be over ...I saw his last breath and he died in my lap :|
with 2 months of blood vomit ..we all knew the ed is coming but not s tragically ...till date i have nightmares and i have the death scene repeating all over itself. It is not enough that he has to die but he has to die a tragic death ?

And then I realized even if I don't want to I have to become an adult ....I can never recover over his death but writing about it makes me cry and release the buried emotions I have written this blog to get some peace ....I moved away from chennai as chennai brings awful memories nowadays but in hyd i feel lonely ...maybe my life is always meant to be a miserable one (?)

APpa I miss you terribly and love u more than u have ever thot..! I miss sharing good things with u and i miss u so much ...i have turned into a diff person ...I don't like to Live life anymore ...But Sadly I have grown up w/o u seeing it ! I LOVE U !